Lockdown at the Vise
Illustration by Paul Puckett
CHERNOBYL ANTIBODY. Unlike traditional flies, you eat this one. Helps ward off belief in fictitious cicada hatches.
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE DRAKE. Only floats on the right side of the river—the far right, more like a side channel, or a drainage ditch.
ECONOMIC STIMULATOR. Stonefly imitation automatically deposited into your dry-fly account.
BLOOMBERG DIVER. Like the Dahlberg original, only sexist and with more money. After tricking a fish with its flashy pattern, it frisks them once they’re in hand.
THE TRICO KING. From our favorite zoo owner, its secret sauce is a series of awful, unbelievable plot twists that fish can’t resist.
SEQUESTERRESTRIAL. For backcountry creeks and lakes, away from the kids. Tied in basements.
CRAZY KLOBUCHARLIE. A great Midwestern crayfish imitation. The New York Times endorsed it as its Fly of the Year, despite it having no chance at the title.
FAUCICADA. A sexy, older pattern. Sometimes spot-on, but easily ignored.
TRUMP’S POLE DANCER. A loud, bumbling, nothing-burger for jacks, peacocks, and similar slack-jawed thugs. Can be easily bought, but never silenced.
ROYAL WOLF BLITZER. The go-to for an after-work, early-evening hatch. Best before dinner.
GREEN BUTT BUTTIGIEG. This twist on the classic Western steelhead fly has shown strong results along the Saint Joe River in and around South Bend, Indiana.
COPPER JOHN WILLIAM BARR. A heavier version of the perennially popular dredging nymph, the CJWB works well when paired with the effective but morally questionable Roger Stonefly.
SAN JUAN SWEATPANTS. In place of chenille, this pattern has pizza-scented cotton body and a well-worn hole in the ass.
MNUCHIN MINNOW. The first known thousand-dollar fly. A favorite of the underserved private-equity and hedge-fund communities.
TULSI TURNEFFE CRABBARD. A younger-ish saltwater pattern. Frequently changes position, works particularly well on bonefish in the Hawaiian Islands.