1. When booking the trip, inform your guide that you are prone to epileptic seizures, get kidney dialysis twice a week, and are recover­ing from surgery on both your knees. You can’t walk very far or stay confined in small spaces for more than a couple of hours, but would like to get on uncrowded waters where the big fish don’t get any pressure.
  2. Any time you see another fisherman or pass another boat yell over, “Are you catchin’ any? We ain’t catchin’ shit!”
  3. Ask your guide how big the biggest fish he ever caught was and what fly he caught it on. Then ask him why you aren’t using that fly.
  4. Whenever your guide gives you any advice say, “Yeah, I know.”
  5. Lose five or six flies in about nine casts, then say, “I think I’d do better with a dropper.”
  6. When casting small dries to a steadily rising fish, wait until your fly is mere inches from the trout, then make three quick strips “to make the fly look alive:”
  7. If you cast your fly into a tailing loop, immediately cast the line twice as hard and fast in order to fix it.
  8. Always cast in a manner that allows you guide to see your fly at close range as it whizzes past his face.
  9. Ask your guide what his real job is.
  10. At the end of a long day on the water, compliment your guide by telling him he has the patience of a saint. So much so, in fact, that he’d be the perfect guide to teach fly fishing to your five-year old triplets.
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