‘Tis the season for The Drake’s annual Hot Holiday Gift Guide—A full assortment of special selections to wow the flyfisher in your family.
1) Tenkara®
Tenkara is the simple Japanese method of flyfishing where only a rod, line, and fly are used. Be the first to buy the whole franchise, including Tenkara rod manufacturing facility, Tenkara Magazine, Rights to all Tenkara Flies, Tenkara Lines, Tenkara DVDs, Tenkara Nippers. Zen-like enlightenment sold separately. $10,000-$12,000
2) Scent of Kamchatka, Cologne
Smells like musk, tastes like vodka. Imported. $49.95
3) Real Life Flyfishing Guide™
People spend big bucks and travel far to get belittled by flyfishing guides. With your very own Real Life Flyfishing Guide™ at your 24-hour disposal, open your doors to a fun-filled world of long-winded stories, late nights, and endless packs of Marlboro Reds. Where’s the television remote? Your Real Life Flyfishing Guide™ knows: “11 o’clock, three feet to the right of the Doritos… Douchebag!”
$7,500 imported ($8,500 for Florida Keys variety, gas not included)
4) Christmas Island
Since it’s Christmas, you may as well own the whole fucking island. $12,000,000
5) Revolutionary “TWO” Fly Rod
Similar to the all-water fly rods we’ve grown to know and love, the TWO offers the same precision casting accuracy needed to cover a wide range of conditions—only you need both hands to cast it. It’s a game changer. $1,985
6) Seasonal Collection of YouTube Fly-Tying Videos
Add more whip to your finish with the 2013 YouTube Fly-Tying Anthology.
Featuring more than five thousand 4-minute or less fly-tying tutorials, catch all the action with: Flies that Float; Low-Light Midges; Tying With One Hand Tied Behind Your Back; The Wondrous Woolly Bugger Part 18; Tying While Getting a Tattoo, The Secrets of a Fly-Tying Cell Mate; Dubbing with Pubes; Rob Ford’s Crack-a-lacka; Hackle Stacking for Dummies, Really Basic Parachute Posts, and more!
$10.50
7) Quaaludes—Holiday Assortment
Source instant relief from the stresses of fishing with significant others, or that annual steelhead skunking—and be a part of the resurgence of this recreational mainstay.
About 8 bucks (current street value)
8) Braided Fly Line Hair Ribbons
What better way to instill a love of flyfishing in your young and disinterested daughters than with these hand-crafted, genuine Sri-Lanka-made hair ribbons? As a bonus, this company will actually accept donations of your old, scarred up fly lines for “up-cycling” in the hands of their many elementary-school-aged employees.
$12US, or 1,800 rupees apiece with purchase of 1,000 or more.
9) 1974 Mercury Marquis Brougham American Classic
With only 197,844 miles on odometer and garage kept this beauty is in first class condition
351 cu In V8 with an automatic transmission; Luxury features and options; Gangster Black; AC, Power Steering, Power Windows, Power Locks; Interior And Exterior Excellent; 460 Ci Power That Still Runs Like New; Vinyl Top Is Flawless; Big 2 Door Car With Factory Tinted Windows; All Tires Are In Good Condition
Pictures Do Not Do Justice: $500 OBO
