Saturday
Wake at 11:00. Practice straight-faced recitals of: “It’s really more of a mid-day fishery.”
Anyone up before 9:00 will be sequestered for remainder of week. Anyone up at 6:00 saying “Let’s go for bagels!” will be sent home immediately. Afternoon seminar: co-opting expertise—sponging off of your buddy’s success stories. Extra workshop: Motivational Flyfishing with Tony Robbins and Landon Mayer: “You CAN overpower the trout! You WILL land a lunker! Visualize! VISUALIZE!!”
Sunday
Deep nymphing: the value of a trip-saving whitefish. Afternoon seminars: “Bobbers and Balloons”—matching your client with the right indicator; and “Snagging Subversion”—how to remove a fly from a fish’s ass without your client knowing it was foul-hooked. Extra workshop: Efficient storage techniques—how to tactfully tell your client to put half that worthless shit back in his car.
Monday
Self-control while M.I.L.F. guiding. Discouraged phrases: “Your wife’s hot,” “Your daughter’s hot,” “You’re hot” “Are those real?” Afternoon Seminar: Lines to Learn– “I didn’t forget the net, it’s just easier on the fish to land them by hand,” and “This is a real treat. It’s not every day you pull an 8-inch whitefish out of this river.” (Saltwater guys, substitute “Not every day you find 10-inch bluefish in the inlet.”)
Tuesday
Guide’s Guide to Ganja-Growing—alternative uses for our National Forest. Afternoon seminars: removing anchor from rocks; removing flies from chin, removing boat from bridge abutment; removing underfed runt from net while convincing client that it’s one of the largest fish in the river. Extra workshop: The Innovative Fly Tier: How to take a 50-year-old fly recipe, add one hair, and name it after yourself.
Wednesday
Saltwater Special. Making a mock blitz—bird-feeding techniques to pull other boats away from your fish. Self-preservation: rigging a lead jig-head that will puncture the gel-coating on any encroaching boat. Afternoon Seminars: Ghost-fish spotting, story telling, lunch breaks, potty breaks, and extended boat rides to other “fishy” locations.
Thursday
eXtreme guiding: Yelling louder; snaking others at the boat ramp, visor and hair gel–a winning combination. Afternoon Seminar: Hangover Helper–deep breathing and a bottle of the pink stuff, and keeping clients focused on river left while vomiting last night’s bourbon on river right. Extra workshop: “Bottom-line guiding: 10 ways to mention your tip in common conversation.” (To earn an easy extra $20–row really hard upstream for no apparent reason, except an impromptu gunshow.)
Friday:
Saving a bad day: Strategies for greatly exaggerating fish size in photos. Plus, Birdwatching 101 and the importance of sexy shuttle drivers. Afternoon seminars: Duct tape maintenance, and wildlife identification–every bird is a bald eagle, every mammal a grizzly. More Discouraged phrases: “Wow, at your age I’m surprised you can get in the boat,” and “Please be patient while I untangle this, I’m on Xanax so it might be awhile.”
