Instead of dick pics, I send my girlfriend pictures of myself, naked, holding fish over my junk. Sometimes they’re full-body shots. Other times they’re close ups of just the fish covering my frank and beans, with a halo of manicured pubic hair surrounding it. #hottie #instawizard.
I often wear a hat, shades, and a Buff, and my feet are usually buried in water, or muck, or sand, but the rest of me is bare-assed with a gasping hog brown dangling in front of my manhood, a black or yellow Sex Dungeon hanging from its kype. Sometimes I hold the fish with one hand and throw some horns up with the other. One time, with a carp, I turned the fish around so its big rubbery lips were facing me, and I rolled my eyes back in my head like it was feeling really good. This other time, I caught a legit ten-pound rainbow, and I Tebowed it, only I held the fish in front of my crotch. #blessed #hawgjohnson #prayforlunkers.
The logistics of taking the pictures were kind of tough at first. I wasn’t gonna have some fishing buddy get all Playgirl cameraman with me. Besides, none of my friends can rope hogs like I can, and they get all jealous and bitchy when I out-fish them. I only fish alone these days. #solofishingmish #friendsjustslowmedown
I got pretty good with the timer function on my iPhone, but I wanted higher rez shots, so I checked out some of the photo forums, and everyone who’s a badass like me is shooting Canon so I bought an EOS. Now I carry a tripod and a bunch of lenses when I go fishing. Sometimes framing the photo takes a few minutes, and I usually drop the fish a few times before I get the shot right, but it’s totally worth it. The pics are epic, and I always let the fish go afterwards. #respecttheresourcebro #catchandrelease #keepitkindofwetforalittlewhile
I also bought Lightbox and Photoshop because sometimes even the phat hogs I slay can’t totally cover up the goods. There’s a lot to hide down there, if you know what I mean, so I do some fine tuning to erase what looks like used chewing gum or a flap of elbow skin. While I’m at it, I make sure the shadows around my pecs and abs are on point. #stayhealthypeople #nofilter
Recently, I’ve started shaving my chest and my stomach so my girlfriend can see how ripped I am in the photos. Body hair just covers up all the goodness that God, protein powder, P90X, and CrossFit gave me. I’ve never had a beard because beards are for fucking hippies. #babyface, #personalgrooming, #selfrespect
She isn’t technically my girlfriend yet, but she follows me on the ‘Gram and likes most of my photos. I mean, lots of chicks follow me, but she’s the hottest one, and we’re totally going to hook up after I catch a monster fish that shows how dope I am. #madeforeachother #powercouple #somuchwinning
I thought today was going to be the day, but it’s not working out. My latest post has only gotten like 27 likes, and the lone comment was from some middle-aged d-bag in Iowa whose profile pic is his dorky kid holding a bluegill. I hiked thirty miles into the backcountry and whaled a three-foot bull trout on a musky streamer that took me two hours to tie. The photo was so rad! I had the saturation and the Ludwig filter dialed, the fins on the bully were popping, and that streamer was lit-up and glittering. Plus, my arms were jacked holding out the fish. #selfportrait #native #lookingood #wheresthelove?
This other dude in my feed posted some lame pic at the same time—him and a couple other Jerries laughing in a boat together. She left a comment: “Next time I hope I get an invite. #goodlife #itsallaboutfriends” Can you believe that shit? Those guys weren’t even hot, and obviously didn’t catch anything! She should ask to fish with me. We could get naked and rope donkeys. Imagine those pics. #pornworthy #whyamidoingthis? #becauseimawesome #relationshipgoals