Benevolent Ass

There is a holler high in the hills of East Tennessee, guarded by an ornery old ass named Festus. His bellows shake the walls of the valley night and day as he protects his livestock and property. Donkeys are stubborn and strong-willed guardians; known to fight off all manner of danger to protect their herd. Festus looks over a group of about forty cattle and is warden to a small creek that borders the pastures he roams. A small creek with big trout.While he’s willing to chase off snakes and coyotes, he won’t come nipping if you walk past for a little fishing. But he does require a toll of sorts. There is something mystical about the stretch of creek he protects, and access requires a similarly transcendent transaction.

Through both lived and storied experiences I can confirm that sneaking past Festus without paying him his due almost guarantees you’ll go fishless. It’s a deal that needs to be completed before making a cast. Many have tried to weasel their way out of this requisite levy, and while he may not catch you when you first pass, you will, shortly thereafter, feel a glare peering into your back as he silently (or sometimes loudly) approaches from behind.

And then, the fishing will just suddenly turn off. With the stomp of a hoof or bay of his call, the water murks up, the hatch shuts off, the trout go dormant. It’s as if Festus is the bridge troll waiting for payment before allowing you to cross into the light and land that twenty-incher tucked behind the boulder.

The payment isn’t specific in nature or quantity; it simply must be thoughtful. Common forms of donkey currency I’ve used include beer (Schlitz Tall Boys), Lucky Charms, or Dr. Enuf. All have resulted in safe passage and good fishing. While there’s no true science to the tribute, this ass is no fool. A dirty bait-chunker once tried to pass night crawlers off as tribute and nearly lost a pinky. Festus is like family to many and wants to be treated as such. Would you offer nightcrawlers to your kin? While there’s no guarantee that you’ll catch a fish if you pay the toll, it’s a near certainty that you won’t if you don’t. Choose wisely.

The Fly Box fly shop in Bristol, TN, “The hub for fly fishing on the South Holston and Wautauga Rivers.”